Stop making fast and furious movies.
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What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here