Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
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one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake