I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
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Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Hey I worked for it too!
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.