Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
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For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
accurate
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses