Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
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My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Funny women are smart. Be careful.