mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I feel like one of these would kill a European
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.