You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
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Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker