hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.