Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
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I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Care for your back
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Employees must applaud the planets.