“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
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I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1