I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
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[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.