I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.