Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
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The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
bury ourselves
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Last-minute gift idea!
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.