i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
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When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.