I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
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If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep