taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
You Might Also Like
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
🤣🤣🤣
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Phonetics
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.