cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
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It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”