Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
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Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.