serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
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[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”