*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
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Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
So inspired right now.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.