“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
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Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.