snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
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*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me