My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
You Might Also Like
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Choose your fighter
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍