Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
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I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.