Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
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I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Sunday
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!