I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
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Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.