Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
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It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Blew out my flip flop…
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
fired
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?