My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
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That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable