doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
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I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Many hands make light work
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.