John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
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“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*