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“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.