What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
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If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
umm…
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
reviewed some movies recently
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.