“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
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Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.