I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
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I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.