6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
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He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.