I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
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Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up