it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
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[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Chicken bread
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington