Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
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My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.