I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
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“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
When your parents check you’re ok.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations