My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
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bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
worst…sale…ever
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who