Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
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Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
accurate
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck