Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
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The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.