Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
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Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Candles never taste the way they smell
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls