I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol