I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
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Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
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When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End