Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
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*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Happy Halloween 🎃
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters