I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
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So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.