My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
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Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
This did not end as expected.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”