[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.