Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
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Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
you stereotypes are all alike
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.